So my last entry was about a transitional period of my life.  It was the beginning of a new chapter in my education and my chance to venture into an unknown environment.  Although it was a very scary experience going somewhere new and having to start from scratch in terms of relationships, I believe that being open to these types of situations is of great benefit to my life experience.  Some of the more encouraging results of this adventure was the highest GPA I have ever achieved in my school career, meeting a lot more white people then I am use to, and finally being able to see a light at the end of the bachelors degree tunnel.  Before this semester, I was in limbo in terms of having a finish line for my degree. Now, it seems, that 2011 will be the year that one of my life goals may be achieved. 

 Keeping in mind that I have a long long long long way to go in terms of getting to that finish line, I am going to give everything I have to making the most of these next couple of years.  This means having to come to terms with actually having to start growing up and being an adult.  I always have trying to define that transformation takes place.  Is it when you are able to buy alcohol or when you recieve a degree in college.  I guess the best way to define being an adult in my eyes is taking responsibility for your own actions.  The ability to make rational decisions and act as an independent individual.  I never feel like I have grown up.  I still laugh all the time at the most silly occurrences.  I enjoy whining and watching cartoons.  Why do we all have to grow up is I guess what I am saying.

I know I want to have a family someday.  I want to have my own house and all that jazz.  I guess I have to start making some new life goals.  I know one of those goals is I want to do some traveling.  I definately want to try to visit as many of the states as I am able to.  One thing I really want to do is try to meet as many new people as possible. I think that is one of lifes forgotten goals, obtaining new relationships and looking at every person as a friend. 

This year has had a tough start.  Having my cars transmission die on me and having to come up with 2200 dollars was not an obstacle I was prepared to undertake.  I have to really be thankful for family and friends aiding when dealing with this unfavorable situation.  I am thankful for a lot of things these days.  So since I am unable to come up with anymore word vomit, I must end with a random thought.  I wonder why we continue in the same patterns we do as humans.  We eat, we procreate, we seek knowledge, we seek justice, we seek purpose, is there truly a way to be an indvidual?

One thing that is funny about moving , you gotta pack up your entire life and teleport it to another location.  Most of the items are material and although neccessary are not really important to me as a person.  There is one thing that I move with me that contains what I hope to be some of the more memorable possessions I have acquired in my life.  It is a big green plastic box that contains a variety of things that have very low monetary value , but to me , they are my experiences and a good part of what makes me who I am today. 

In the box some of the items include:  Birthday cards from various family and friends, trophies and awards from soccer, volleyball , and any other recognitions i have recieved, Animals that I have recieved as gifts,  Teens to Go skits , and notes from past girls I have been in relationships with in the past. 

The birthday cards are just something to remind me that my friends and family care about me.  The trophies and awards are there to remind me that I am capable of great things. ( I dont display them because I believe that limits me to think these are my best accomplishments)  Animals because I have always had animals since I can remember( My first and favorite was spike from the "Pooch Patrol" but I lost him and having animals reminds me of him)  And the notes from girls that I have dated because sometimes I find it hard to believe that girls have the ability to care about me sometimes.  ( I didnt have my first gf till highschool and everytime I have a relationship wiht someone knew I try and lookback on what mistakes I made in the past to hopefully learn from them)

I go through this box and I look at what it possesses.  It almost looks like it was another persons life.  I look at these notes that talk about how they feel so strongly about me and I feel like I dont get it...  Relationships have been a significant part of my life.  I cant believe that so many amazing people how felt so strongly about me.  I always seem to find a way to sabotage the relationship in a different way.  My first gf's , I was so anxious to be sensitive and over bearing.  I felt at that point I opened up my "pandoras box" of emotions and after we broke up I was hurt worse then I can remember.  My second gf was a rocky adventure that ended up with her only being with me due to her fear of being lonely.  After that it seems I was so broken hearted , I hardened myself up to never be hurt again.  I have dated women , I have been in some amazing relationships where I just could not take in what I truly had till it was gone.  So where does this leave me I wonder. 

So I guess my feelings about this handicap I possess is gonna take some real work.  One thing I have always been afraid to do is plan for the future.  I have been trying to live in this wonderland where I am accomplishing little bits but never really moving foward like I know am able to.  I believe that now I am finally moving foward with this future in school ,  I need to work now more then ever to keep planning goals in school , and learn to open up that pandoras box of mine in small amounts. 

I know its not too late to be the person that everyone thinks I am.  I jus know when I find that person who is my souls recongition of its counterpart in another , I will be ready to show them what I am capable of.